justifying or defending...

do i justify or defend? do i think of others or only myself? am i self-deprecating for my own selfish ambition or am i sold out for someone else? how do i not compete when every part of me wants to? how can i be? how come you are?

someone else's shoes...

i am absolutely useless right now. my brain can't focus on anything. i have so much work that i know i can do and i even have ideas for what to do for it but i am immobilized and honestly couldn't be bothered to do anything. this always drives me crazy. i leave everything to the last minute because i actually can't do anything but that.
sometimes i wished i was one of those people like diana on degrassi who get the big science assingment done 2 weeks before it is due. i guess if i was one of those people i would be annoying to people like me who are just sitting around killing time because i can't be bothered to actually be productive with my time.

falling behind...

so an entire day has been spent doing the complete opposite than what i had planned to do. it's one of those things were what i did do today means more for the future than what i had planned but the change of plans means more pain in the present.
i had wanted to spend the day going to t.o. to get some books, spend a good 1.5 hours with a friend and a coffee then head home to start on the 2 papers and 2 presentations i have due in the next week or so. instead i ended up going for lunch with the fam and some friends, having a tag along for the trip to the t.o. and the time with my friend (which really changes the dynamics of the whole experience i might add) and now getting home at 8:45pm, full of guilt to do work but having no energy to do it.
i know it is good to put some things as priorities but i just keep getting farther behind on other things. how the hell do i do it all?

moderate-over whelmed...

it's just one of those days when you feel so small in a huge world and you wonder how it will ever work out. it sounds super depressing but i mean it more as a 'i wish everything would stop for a minute so i can catch my breath, grab something to eat and jump back in there' the next two weeks are going to be tricky...

sleep is good...

i woke up this morning and felt like it was the first time i had ever woken up in my life. i can't really explain it all that well but i felt that it had been my first experience of being awake and to be honest, i was somewhat annoyed and just wanted to sleep again.
i'm reading the narnia series and something like that happened in the chapter i read before bed. dreams are so weird that i could take on not just an idea but the feeling of breaking out of a state of unconsciousness.
with powers like these, i could take over the world...

things i hate most #34

sitting in a two hour class with cold wet jeans is definitely not my first choice of things to do.
the weather is crummy and cold and i don't want to leave my bed. thanks to technology i don't have to, until i have to pee.

knuckles, i thought we were friends...

came back to the blog today because i am basically avoiding/procrastinating on the school work right now and was reminded that i declared 2005 the year of cole. didn't really seem to end up to be a year of much if this year of all years was the year of cole. perhaps i will put a hold on 2005 as the year of cole and hold out for 2006.
today i was able to achieve the great feat of making it to the final boss of sega's sonic and knuckles but despite my best efforts (and 5 continues) i was unable to complete the task. i guess that just means i will have to spend another 3 hours tomorrow trying again. the worst part about the loss is that the big 'game over' slides onto the screen, it fades to black and then the stupid sega jingle plays and you are officially burned deeply by its taunts.
oh sonic...one day i will muster up enough thumb dextarity to be able to free your tiny animal friends once and for all.

last thought of january...

my apparent claim to be back into the writing thing was another of my disenchanted and unattained ideal to be something different than i am.
today there are 2 thoughts i need to share before i can carry on with life.
#1. i'm currently working on a message i am sharing next week and it is getting me so excited because the spirit is speaking to me in amazing ways. i just hope i can pass it along to others with the same magnitude and intensity that i have been hit with it.
#2. anyone who hasn't heard the lauryn hill unplugged album yet needs to go out and buy it and listen to the whole thing in one sitting. she is a genius and can use words in a way i will never be able to.

"i'm emotionally unstable and i'm not going to change"

happy new year...

a happy new year to everyone who reads this. i know it has been a few weeks since i've written but i'm feeling back in the mood to share thoughts and ideas. i think my brain needed a little vacation...it is still out on vacation but the replacement brain (which is really just a crappy patched up old organizer with a calculator and calendar feature) decided to take a stab at the writing thing.
2005 was officially declared the year of cole but i have been so busy since the new year started that i haven't really noticed it being any different than 2004. perhaps people are still getting into the swing of the year of cole much like the few weeks you continue to write 2004 on cheques and letters and stuff. i think it should catch on soon...

last day of the year...

on this last day of 2004, i have decided to take a break from writing in the blog for a bit. for all 2 of you that read this thing, i know you are disappointed but i plan to come back stronger than ever after a short hiatis from the writing.

a quick thought...

i heart christmas cards.

act your age...

it is so weird when children are dressed in adult looking clothes. i feel like when i see a small child wearing a suit or a blazer that i should be talking to them about taxes and government, not about candy and toys and other children things. the thing is that kids only wear these clothes because their parents make them. i'm sure half these kids would be just as content running around in their bathing suits...

sparkle sparkle...

i've been getting a lot of christmas cards in the mail (being as popular as i am) and some of them have all kinds of sparkle stuff on them. while i do deeply appreciate the kind gesture my friends have shown by sending me holiday greetings (in spite of the fact that i am a jackass and don't send christmas cards to anyone) the sparkle from these cards is on everything i own. it seems that everytime i turn around i find little sparkles glistening in the light. while i should be soothed by the beauty and magic inherrently embodied by the sparkle, it instead makes me a little angry because i just can 't get rid of them all. i got issues...

it runs in the family...

i had this random thought yesterday that i would be way funnier if i knew how to play the guitar. now i'm not really sure how i came to this conclusion or even if it makes any sense whatsoever but i was absolutely convinced of it at the time. i usually have random thoughts like this before i fall asleep when randomness can be attributed to unconsciousness. randomness during the day, however, has no excuse or explaination but can only be connected to the fact i am crazy. i knew that would come out one of these days...

no more lame...

i've noticed that i've been writing some pretty lame stuff over the last few weeks. i'm going to try to put a little more gusto into what i write. not today though, i'm just too lazy.

the young and the restless...

kids leave a trail of messy wherever they go. i had just 2 children over at my house yesterday but was left with 2 paint stains and a beautiful marker drawing on the carpet, a couch full of bread crumbs, random markers coming out of everywhere and a mysterious sticky spot on the coffee table. i must admit they were the life of the party and boy can those disney princesses sing...

robbing the cradle...

i think it is hilarious when older women (like way older women) try to hit on young men. it is like they feel they have the right to say anything they like. and there is no filter on what they are saying either. if they're thinking it, they're saying it.
my oma has this friend who always makes comments about how good looking she thinks my brother is. she's like 80 and he's 22...a match made in heaven if you ask me.

not even the bell can save you now...

i never realized how horrible the acting on saved by the bell is. i'm not sure if it is that tv acting has gotten a lot better or if my standards weren't that high when i was a t-nbc watcher but it is really quite embarassing to watch zack, kelly, screech, slater, jessie, and lisa live out their days at bayside high. it kind of makes you wonder how they ever got acting jobs after that show.
on a more positive note, today was my second most favourite episode of all time. you know the one where they're all in that band together and then zack dreams that they get famous and he ditches they for fame but then they all realize their selfishness and come back for the 'friends forever' tour. what a classic moment.

c-c-c-cold...

it is freezing cold in my house. my only motivation for wiriting tonight is because the typing keeps my fingers warm. i hope that this is a momentary trouble because otherwise it is going to be a long and bitterly cold winter in the house and there is no guarentee that i won't become bitterly cold along with it. my bones be creakin'...

do you hear that?

i haven't written for a few days...haven't really felt like it. it is a weird time of year to be on campus because everything just seems to come to a sudden stop. it is crazy, crazy, crazy and then you can hear the crickets. feels kind of the same in my head.
on another note, i think i got food poisoning at church.